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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet
room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done
at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering
is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at
that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important
holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no Christmas tree
present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have
other type of music for
your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts
exchange, no gifts
are allowed since the union members feel that
$10.00 is too much money
executives believe $10.00 is very little for a

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously,
we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end
of the party-the days are so short this time of
year-or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans.
Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit
with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each
will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress,
no cross dressing allowed
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control
the salt used in the
food; we suggest for those people with high blood
problems to taste
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what
do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at
Luigi's prohibit the
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping"
employees, but we'll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red
" It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
Halloween or family
feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the
company has changed
their mind in announcing the special announcement
at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to
your home.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is
all about. What the %#&^!@
GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more
changes of address will
be allowed in my office. Try to come in and
change your address, I will
you hung from the ceiling in the
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you
like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of death," as you so
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydrophonic
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die you hear

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue
to forward your cards
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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2000-11-27 -04:00
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