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1. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
2. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone.
3. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
4. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
5. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
6. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tellhim is, "Probably because of something you did."
7. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
8. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me?
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
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