eelvis
(eelvis)

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Next time your child asks you if Santa really exists, here's what youtell them:

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the

world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,

Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the

workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million

(according to the Population Reference Bureau.) At an average (census)

rate of 3.5 children per household, that come to 108 million homes

presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the

different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels

east to west (which seems logical.) This works out to 967.7 visits per

second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good

child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop

out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining

presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, go

back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed

around the earth (which, of course we know to be false, but will accept

for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78

miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting

bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650

miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of

comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves

at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at

best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two

pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting

Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than

300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten

times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine

of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,

not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly

seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the

monarch).

600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air

resistance

- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft

re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would

absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they

would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer

behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The

entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a

second, or right about he time Santa reached the fifth house on his

trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of

accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds,

would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound

Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the

sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and

organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

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2001-12-21 -04:00

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2001-12-21 -04:00

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