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below is an email from one of my friends. （Nobody will know that guy, and pls don't think i am a bad one to publish his email in the public. I just need help from others....)
It's good to know that you are really interested in knowing this ugly guy,although i don't know why you like to know this guy,and i hope it's not just for your solitude after divorce.If that's the reason,i advise you to find a gentleman with good education and more amiable personality,as a man of 33 years old,i'm old enough to know that i'll never be a good husband for many kinds of women.
As you showed that you are really interested in my thought,i should told you my thought totally,bad and good,otherwise,it'll be that i'm hoaxing you,which i must confess that i've been unconciously done whenever with a nice girl,surely you will say that it's the nature of man to hoax the woman,but this time,let me try to analyse myself totally to you,coz i'm now in a dangerous state in thought and emotions again.
Now it's the opera of Richard Wagner sounding near my ear,should i find some sources of strength and motivation of living in it just like so much others have done b4?
Surely i'm the kind of guy with tardy emotions and quick comprehension,my mom's death is really one of the most important event in my life,but only now have i found that i have lost my source of love and loyalty,and lost my motivation to work hard to go up,it's just coz that the one who is my most beloved is gone,and gone forever,with her beloved lost in the world.
I have never loved any others like my mom,in fact,i and my mom loved each other as the most important of our emotioal support until my nephew's birth,but from today's viewpoint my mom will be disappointed by her grandson(as he has influence from his parents too,not only his granny),and hope that she can relieve in the heaven on my love to her forever.
Tell the truth,i have had several sex partners b4,and some can be said lovers in the others' eyes,but i myself never regard it as love,coz i never loved others with the heart to sacrifice myself,and i never met a girl that is my soul mate.They are just my sex partners and playmates.
It's really hard for my kind of guy to find a real soul mate,that's mainly from the influence of my early family life,to tell the truth,i now rather hate my father,in the boyhood i just don't like him,and be glad whenever he is absent,but now i have found the problem of my family is really in that:my father never loved my mom and the family,his heart has never been in the family,so is the tragedy of the family,so is the hate openly expressed by my bro to him face to face now.
He get married without even telling me,and now he want to live with me with his new wife,never asking me if i have any problems and difficulties in my life,and in the first call after my changing apartment his first question is that if my apartment is large enough to house them,the first words he asked,oh,this kind of nauseant thing will be too much to be detailed in writing here,just to sum up my relation with my family now:the family is over for me forever in emotion after my mom's death,my father now just want to live a better life under our patron,with the reject from my bro,he can now only request me(but he never request,he really force me to do anything he want,just like he forced me to do anything in my boyhood,his words is still the same stubborn and forceful one to me even he receive my patron for 2 years after my
mom's death).I'm now really bored in treating him so tender and obedient.I lost myself whenever he is present,i'm still under his stubborn stupidness and forceful scorn.And he still felt that i'm just a subordinate and belonging of him,with no the need to care like himself who is the king of the family - the father in blood bondage.But although i hate and dislike him more than b4,i will still give him money every month in case that he don't mess up things again(he want to divorce with new wife in the end of last year,which is solved mostly by my sister in law),i really get bored in his complainment and implore,i now have lost the little trust in him which is mainly for my mom's sake.
So this is the first problem i want to get advice from you.As now he is still healthy,and his new wife is still not powerful enough to force us,it's not a very hard problem now,but surely it'll be hard problem later,and when my mom is alive,my father never talked with me on phone even under my mom's request,but now after my mom's death and my unseen fondness and kindness to him in that hard month at home,he called me every 10 days without ever asked my difficulties and emotions,but just telling me his illness and problems everytime,totally different from my mom's attitute to me(which is always encouragement and advice to me,although not applicable).
Why the God let the amiable one to suffer,and the less one to be OK?If it's true that there's really a paradise after our death?
As to the second problem of me now,i have told you in last mail,the problem in my freelance career with the difficulty in getting payment,but i think i can get it well this year.Although it's now still a hard and unpredictable thing to me,and i'm now in a much worse economic situation than b4,i guess that the God will not let the honest one to suffer too much and too long when he still has the ability and strenght to control his own life.
As to my last problem,really it has been written above,that is,the emotional colapse.It must be admitted now that i loved my mom too much to be too selective,and as now i have eyesighted my mom's sorrow and tragedy(my mom must have died in sorrow,especially when she know that her beloved son is not there to chat with her again,but the good thing is that then she had known that her beloved can live by himself alone after so many years of adventure,the only relieve of her departure from this world she loved so much),i have made up my
mind never to marry a woman if I don't love her deeply and be qualified to
protect her,and never raise a kid when i am not prepared to be a ualified
father to give him love and advice without endanger his freedom of
development.I will never make the ones i love and whom love me to suffer the same kind of sorrows of me again.So you can see that it's now much more harder for me to select the wife,and my freelance career now made it more difficult to meet women than b4,and i now don't want only the sex partners and casual lovers again.So i'm now in a very hard time in emotion.
It seems that there's only two way that i'll go:to be a honest and loyal husband,or to be a total sarcastic bachelor who can never love others again but just play with every thing in the world,so i'm now in torture in this.
I told you my three most urgent problems now,and it's very hard for me to tell others this kind of things,so you can be sure that i want to be real friend of you.And i'm not only to tell you things,i'm now requesting your advice,as i think the real friend is the one who thinks and feels in your way for you,although it's not practical to solve these problems by some advice,but the advice after deep thought shows the friendship more than anything else.This kind of friend is the most valuable one(the only kind that i call friend) - soul mate.
But first let me to speak openly some of my impression of you,although it's harsh to be accepted by a woman,i must tell the truth,coz i know that only in truth can we find the real friend - soul mate.I imagine that you are a thin,rather tall,bony and dry woman(the kind with appearance and body i dislike),with sarcastic words and ugly manner normally.
Surelly my words will ignite you,i guess,but i confess that it's my imagination of your image,if you really want to make friend with me,you must be the kind of woman to be tolerant to my sarcasm and openness,i never lie to a real friend,even if i know it'll harm their emotion(under this circumstance,mostly i just do not say anything,this time to you i told the truth openly without any hiding).
To be a soul mate is really a difficult thing,b4 my mom can be said a soul mate of mine,just one without enough knowledge to know some of me that belong to higher education,and although i always tell myself that i as a man must be cool to disregard this kind of thought as soul mate,but i must confess that i'm still a little coward with the need to have a mate to communicate in soul,especially as i'm a anachist with no acknowledge of any God and with the respect and apprehension to the ubiquitous nature,especially the earth.
May be it's better to have the God,but as there is no God really,how can i find a God for myself to confess to guide me in my soul and heart?
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