Jokes

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The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always
wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough,
> > > > > > >nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
> > > > > > > The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He
> > took
> > > > > one
> > > > > > >look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
> seen.
> > He
> > > > > went
> > > > > > >to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be
the
> > > >father
> > > > > of
> > > > > > >that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
> Then
> > > >he
> > > > > > >gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
> on
> > > >me?"
> > > > > The
> > > > > > >wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> >
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The Second Affair
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
> examine
> > > >the
> > > > > > >dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
cremated.
> As
> > > >he
> > > > > > >examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated,
> > he
> > > > > made
> > > > > an
> > > > > > >amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he
had
> > ever
> > > > > Seen!
> > > > > > >"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't
send
> > you
> > > > > off
> > > > > to
> > > > > > >be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It
> > has
> > > >to
> > > > > be
> > > > > > >saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools
> to
> > > > > remove
> > > > > > >the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize
> > > > > > >into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed
> was
> > > >his
> > > > > > >wife.
> > > > > > >"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he
said,
> > and
> > > > > opened
> > > > > > >his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> >
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The Third Affair
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
> > > >opening
> > > > > the
> > > > > > >front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She
> quickly
> > > > > rubbed
> > > > > > >baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
> powder.
> > > > > "Don't
> > > > > > >move until I tell you to," she whispered, "Just pretend you're
a
> > > > > statue."
> > > > > > >"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
> room.
> > > > > "Oh,
> > > > > > >it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
> bought
> > > >one
> > > > > > >for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No
> > > >more
> > > > > was
> > > > > > >said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went
> to
> > > > > sleep.
> > > > > > > Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to
> the
> > > > > kitchen
> > > > > > >and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
> > > > > "Here,"
> > > > > he
> > > > > > >said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like
> > > > > > >an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me
as
> > > >much
> > > > > as
> > > > > a
> > > > > > >glass of water."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> >
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The Fourth Affair
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
> asks
> > > >for
> > > > > a
> > > > > > >beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
> > > > > > > "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So
the
> > guy
> > > > > > >glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice
juicy
> > > > > T-bone
> > > > > > >steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
> > > > > > > "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to
> > real
> > > > > > >money."
> > > > > > > "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
> > > > > > > "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns
this
> > > > > place?"
> > > > > > >The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says.
> > > > > > > "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies,
"Same
> as
> > > >I'm
> > > > > > >doing to his business."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >
> >
>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >The Fifth Affair
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight
> > > >vigil
> > > > > by
> > > > > > >his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her
> face.
> > > >Her
> > > > > > >praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
> > lips
> > > > > began
> > > > > > >to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
> > > > > > > "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
> > > > > > > He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have
> > > > > something
> > > > > I
> > > > > > >must confess to you."
> > > > > > > "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
> > > > > > > "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
> > > > > > > "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your
> > > >Sister,
> > > > > your
> > > > > > >best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
> > > > > > > "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
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2001-4-4 -05:00

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