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1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. This means that since we have 6 Billion people in the world, 1.5 Billion are ill, and need to be in mental hospitals. This is why we have so many mentally ill people on the loose. If you check three friends, and if they're fine, you need to check yourself into a mental institute.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor, if you are already there.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the person. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their disappearing act by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats the best poker hand.
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