本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Original essay:
Animal Abuse is a big problem in our society today. Unfortunately, not much people care about it. But I do. Neglect and abandonment is the most common form of animal cruelty. And who causes this? HUMANS. Studies have shown that 64.5% of animal abuse involves dogs, 18% of it involves cat abuse, and 25% involves other animals. Animals are slaughtered just because people don't have any use for them. Is that right? Apparently, it is to some people. More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used for research every year! And in the United States alone, 1.13 million animals are used in testing and research. I mean, sure, research is very important, and without it, life might not be life as it is today, but millions? Hopefully, in the future, scientists will find a way to do testing without taking away an animals life. Furthermore, I'm assuming that everyone has been to at least one store in there life that sells fox and mink coats, but what you don't know is that it takes 18 foxes just to make one fox coat, and 55 minks to make one mink coat.
Comments:
There are a few major statement here.
1. Animal abuse is a big problem, but not many people have paid enough attention.
2. Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats.
3. There are reasons why human beings abuse the animals.
4. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs.
5. A fur coats cost many lives of animals.
Logically, we can rearrange and expand above points as follows.
ISSUE STATEMENT
1. Animal abuse is a big problem; there are reasons why human beings abuse the animals. --> why it is a big problem? What are the specific reasons human beings abuse animals? what are the impacts on the society and humanity? (For example, one fur coat costs many animals' lives)
Note: Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats. --> This statement goes without saying, so it is an irrelvant point. We can delete this point.
FURTHER COMPLICATIONS OF THE ISSUE AND ITS IMPACT
2. Not many people have paid enough attention.--> So what? Need to develop the argument here and pave for presenting a solution, i.e. what exactly can we do better?
PROPOSE YOUR SOLUTION AND EXPLAIN WHY IT CAN WORK
3. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs. --> Is this idea feasible? Argue positively and negatively. Give an example. Weigh the options, link back to the issue statement in point #1.
LAST STEP: AVERGAGE WRITER WRITE, GOOD WRITERS EDIT.
A. Check your logical development again. Does the proposal of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab answer your issue statement of animal abuse being a big problem in human society and not enough attentioin has been paid? It may partly do. However, the bigger picture is in what way can we increase people's awareness and behaviour of not hurting the animals. The idea of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab can be one example of one thing we can do to lessens the impact from animal abuse.
Which argument sound weak and need for stats or information to expand?
Are there any repeated arguments, irrelevant argement? If so, delete.
Have you made your conclusion, clearly and strongly? Never forget to conclude.
b. Have zero grammar, spelling, and punctuation mark mistakes! For instance, we don't say "not much people", we say, "not many people". In English, one setence for one idea. When the idea is complete, use a period, not a comma, like how we do in Chinese.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
Animal Abuse is a big problem in our society today. Unfortunately, not much people care about it. But I do. Neglect and abandonment is the most common form of animal cruelty. And who causes this? HUMANS. Studies have shown that 64.5% of animal abuse involves dogs, 18% of it involves cat abuse, and 25% involves other animals. Animals are slaughtered just because people don't have any use for them. Is that right? Apparently, it is to some people. More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used for research every year! And in the United States alone, 1.13 million animals are used in testing and research. I mean, sure, research is very important, and without it, life might not be life as it is today, but millions? Hopefully, in the future, scientists will find a way to do testing without taking away an animals life. Furthermore, I'm assuming that everyone has been to at least one store in there life that sells fox and mink coats, but what you don't know is that it takes 18 foxes just to make one fox coat, and 55 minks to make one mink coat.
Comments:
There are a few major statement here.
1. Animal abuse is a big problem, but not many people have paid enough attention.
2. Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats.
3. There are reasons why human beings abuse the animals.
4. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs.
5. A fur coats cost many lives of animals.
Logically, we can rearrange and expand above points as follows.
ISSUE STATEMENT
1. Animal abuse is a big problem; there are reasons why human beings abuse the animals. --> why it is a big problem? What are the specific reasons human beings abuse animals? what are the impacts on the society and humanity? (For example, one fur coat costs many animals' lives)
Note: Human beings abuse animals the most, especially dogs and cats. --> This statement goes without saying, so it is an irrelvant point. We can delete this point.
FURTHER COMPLICATIONS OF THE ISSUE AND ITS IMPACT
2. Not many people have paid enough attention.--> So what? Need to develop the argument here and pave for presenting a solution, i.e. what exactly can we do better?
PROPOSE YOUR SOLUTION AND EXPLAIN WHY IT CAN WORK
3. We need to minimize taking the lives of animals in research labs. --> Is this idea feasible? Argue positively and negatively. Give an example. Weigh the options, link back to the issue statement in point #1.
LAST STEP: AVERGAGE WRITER WRITE, GOOD WRITERS EDIT.
A. Check your logical development again. Does the proposal of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab answer your issue statement of animal abuse being a big problem in human society and not enough attentioin has been paid? It may partly do. However, the bigger picture is in what way can we increase people's awareness and behaviour of not hurting the animals. The idea of minimizing taking animal lives in research lab can be one example of one thing we can do to lessens the impact from animal abuse.
Which argument sound weak and need for stats or information to expand?
Are there any repeated arguments, irrelevant argement? If so, delete.
Have you made your conclusion, clearly and strongly? Never forget to conclude.
b. Have zero grammar, spelling, and punctuation mark mistakes! For instance, we don't say "not much people", we say, "not many people". In English, one setence for one idea. When the idea is complete, use a period, not a comma, like how we do in Chinese.更多精彩文章及讨论，请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net